Self Evaluation

This time I am going to kick my own ass, what I feel of myself.. I am going to be very honest in this column..

Since at young age, I do not have much interest in particular subjects taught in school, especially those subjects my dad were skilled in (Yes, my dad was a teacher) such as, Maths (I believe many will laugh at me), chinese (although I am from a chinese school), PE aka Pendidikan Jasmani, (1, I used to have asthma, and 2, I have a broken arm since childhood, thus my left arm cannot pull straight but I am still able to carry out tasks :p), Moral, (does not make any sense if you fail or pass!) . So I am regretting not following his guidance. Just for your little information, I am quite good at English, Arts, Bahasa Malaysia, History (especially Foreign history not Malaysia History) . The truth behind all this was that, I do not like to be force my way in scoring A's just to save my dad face who worked as a teacher. (He was in Yuk choy, Jalan Pasir Puteh, Batu Gajah, and Penang as a teacher, all secondary schools). Sometimes I do not feel regreting at all. The thing is, the communication between my family and me is bery limited, they always talks about their old stories, and a word "NO" means you can't do anything (else you be put away from this home forever) , thats a very bad threat in a family, where they still think that scoring is everything, at most I feel that they were saving faces from his friends. Well, until today, they are still the same. Me and my family rarely have any topic to talk about, because before they even answer you, you already know what they are going to say, you get what I mean? Its so often til you know what they will say. Do you think I can find someone dating during school years? "NO". Go holiday with classmates? "NO", now at least I can pay my own stuff that I want to buy. or do anything I wish I can do before. I know its a bit too late, but thats part of my life, no one knows. People always see me smiling, but I have many sad things and no one to share with, talks to, I do not have a BEST friend, I wish I have one, everyone has one.. except me.

I have an elder brother (the family of four), yeah that puts me as the youngest child in the family. Well, I do not know what happen, I am treated like I am the stupiest person in the whole world. I am not able to compete on his examination results, activities etc. My brother always finding something to step on me, say I am stupid, or I do not know everything, and always want to think I am not able to perform well in any work after school and University. He is very arrogant, I do not like him much, or maybe as a brother, I just give 20% just by the means as a brother. When I see others, their brother and sister are always talkative, supporting, and I am so admired to them.

My nature is a Kind person, absolutely kind til sometimes I help too much. But at least I care to help. I do not mind helping people, mainly because thats my true self. If anyone ask for me, I will try my best to do it.

I like seeing people smiling, mainly because I know I had a very bad childhood, and it'll be sad to see people with sad faces. Thats why, I am trying to make everyone laugh by doing or making funny stuff for them to laugh about.

I am a "Let it Be" person, just do not bother too much, when you are very pissed off on something or stress,, just tell yourself, "Let it Be".. it does not mean we do not care, just temporary see one thing to another to give your mind a rest. I always get scolded because I always "Let it Be", but actually, WHO on earth want yourself to see YOU become crazy? Insane? haha you wont be paid to be in such state of craziness! I still care for a person even I say so, because, we have to understand a person without any rush!

I like to go for clubbings. Mostly I went to places like ZOUK, Velvet Underground, but thats the time while I am staying in KL. Oh, anyone who knows LQ (Liquid)? Yeah, I run into there a few times. I do not drink Calsberg, or Tiger.. lolx maybe just order a cocktail sit there chat with friends. (I wish to try that "GraveYard" drink.. , its a mix of few potions hehe). If anyone of you who asked me out clubbing in Ipoh, chances of me saying YES is 60%. Or out for movies, yumcha etc. I really need to build up more friends. If you who read this, and if you are welcome to be my friend (aiya JUST a friend, dont think so much) then can leave your contact so we can plan it out. (if the time you are sad, you can talk with me anytime)

Mindset.. is very open. I can accept scene of a couple french kissing in the street. Which means I am as well dare to do so myself haha. I can accept anyone who likes girls or guys or both, therefore you can now know my charcter la.

About Love.. traditional people.. dating is dating, and will never easily give up Love, will do anything to make both happier. Long Lasting. Its not easy finding someone, but finding someone usually they already have partner.. sad... some even say not possible (not even trying).. some say no looking for relationship (and later they turn up to be attached.. what a lie) Love is everywhere, but I cant grab a single one, not because I am "choosy" but of cuz everyone is looking for a person that suits, I dislike fat people, so wont look for someone weighting high etc.

NOTE: I have just lost my wallet... I went out at night, came back didnt notice I lost it before come home or cant be found at home.. haiz... bad day.

Even though people I have chatted before, and feel shy to talk with them again, dunno why. I look at people a lot, and many scared I am looking at them, now people do not even greet me.. I feel so sad..

I sometimes hate myself, not able to do anything, I wish from here (my blog) people who is reading my blog.. can be friends with me. Ignore those points you hate about me. I am so eager to find friends here. Most of my friends turns out to talk politics, which I try not to step into it. There is much to talk in life than arguing in politics. let us find the similiar interest we have and be friends.

I am scared in life, no one understand me, I scare I have no money, I scare I cant survive, not about dead, but to survive in this world.